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Yes, I Know My Daughter Needs a Sibling

It doesn't matter what your family situation is there are always people who ask questions about your reproductive plans. I remember as soon as my husband and I were married we were bombarded with baby questions, even on our wedding day. We had spend so long organising one of the happiest days of our lives but thne to be bombarded with baby questions wasn't ideal, we should have been completely honest and tell them that baby plans were not something we had even considered at that point. However, we just nodded along. We both wanted to enjoy being a married couple for a few years, go travelling, explore the world before adding a baby into the mix. Is there some kind of requirement at weddings to ask the bride and groom about their reproductive plans? Because let me tell it's not a question you ask.

You'd think having a baby would stop such questions being asked, they don't! 

Becoming parents was amazing. We were completely in love with our roles as new parents and taking care of our beautiful baby, it's so exciting watching someone you adore and love with everything you have grow and become independent. Parenthood is one of the most fulfilling experiences that anyone can ever go through and we feel so lucky to be able to finally have a family of our own. Becoming a mother to our beautiful baby was not the easiest journey, actually it was probably one of the toughest things we have ever been through. Many women don't want to talk about their feelings of pain, frustration and shame that comes with fertility. I think throughout society, there is a kind of stigma that to be a real woman you should be fertile and have babies. If anyone needs extra help, we are somehow less perfect or less of a person. But as a woman who has had fertility problems we just cannot beat ourselves up about it. Some women can look at a male and become pregnant, others it could take a little longer than they first anticipate and some need extra help along the way. No way is the right way for conceiving a baby, it just has to be the right way for you. I think that's what a lot of people forget becoming a parent is not always a walk in the park. You don't think one day 'let's make a baby' and by some miracle, poof, you're pregnant!!! It's doesn't always work like that. It takes a lot of love, support and patience.

I think that's why we feel so grateful to be parents, we never thought we would be parents. Our daughter is our miracle! We are complete. We feel content. But those baby questions are being asked, again. 'Are you having another?', 'Baby number two on the cards yet?' We were more than content with our life as a family of three but it seems that a couple sticking to one child is not enough. If you don't have a baby you are always being asked when you're going to have a baby. If you already have a child, you then start getting asked when are you having another and I have known some people with two children of the same gender getting asked 'are you trying until you get a boy'! As a mum of an only child my biggest fear is leaving this world and leaving her alone. I know I may sound irrational and I know she will have family and friends but it's a genuine fear. It is fair for her to be alone? 

The year marks a big milestone in our second fertility journey and it's something that we have kept close to our hearts. After the birth of our daughter we started to tell people and the whole world through this blog about our fertility problems, along the way felt some kind of comfort knowing that it can happen to anyone. Being a parent was one of the most amazing experiences you could ever have, and last year we made the decision to start trying for a baby. Unfortunately we are in a similar position we were five years ago. I honestly thought that I wouldn't have any problems when it comes to conceiving another baby. After all, I have already prepared my body for pregnancy and we pretty much know how it all works so it should be a walk in the park right? Last year saw a lot of heartache for us. We have had one negative test after another. We had a glimmer of hope with our first positive pregnancy test, which was short lived making the heartbreak that much harder and so painful.

Like most children, our daughter is desperate for a sibling. I'm beginning to realise that it's having an impact on my daughter. Our daughter has always been confident enough to go off and play with her toys, colour or play dress up on her own. But recently she is making references to a brother or sister and telling us that it's no fun playing on her own. As a parent it was absolute torture hearing those words. Both my husband and I are trying so hard to have another baby and it's getting to a point now where I don't think it's going to happen for us and it breaks my heart knowing how devastated our daughter will be. How do I tell my daughter that she may never have a sibling?

I would love nothing more than another baby. I know everyone is right our daughter needs a sibling. So can you imagine our heartache that we may never be able to give her the sibling she desperately wants. Each time you ask a question about a second baby, it's like a stabbing pain in my heart, or you're picking a wound that refuses to heal. My husband is just as desperate for a child as I am,  we feel guilty we cannot give our daughter a sibling, we are consumed by the immense heartache each month and at times we are angry and sad that we can't have what we want. 

We have always known that becoming parents was never going to be an easy and both my husband and I have been extremely lucky to have been blessed with our beautiful baby girl. I guess, we never considered the possibility of having another child, seeing as we have already blessed with our miracle baby. With most families, a second baby comes soon after the first. We have lots of friends who have had children around the same time as we had our own daughter and have already had another child, pregnant or already planning for another. Being under this spotlight is not fun. If anything it makes us feel as we are not enough. My husband and I love our little family, to us it's perfect as it is and if we are blessed with another baby then that would be wonderful. But if it's not meant to be we are more than happy with that.

Those questions, those words feel like you're picking at our family. Are we not enough? It's something that we struggle with daily, it weighs heavily on our mind. But we have no intention of sharing those personal emotions of our lives until we are good and ready. A turning point in trying to conceive a baby naturally came when we noticed it began to have a impact on us, our life and marriage. We were constantly worrying and asking ourselves whose at fault, and in reality these things just happen. We have made some big changes this year in a bid to improve our chances of a second baby. But my husband and I were very fortunate to have our beautiful miracle baby girl, Amelia-Rose. A true blessing and one that I will never ever take for granted. The only way that I can end this post is to say, be thankful and appreciate the things you have in your life and remember whenever you meet new people, stop and think that they could be fighting a battle that you know nothing about, so be kind.

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28 comments on "Yes, I Know My Daughter Needs a Sibling"
  1. I think people just don't think before they speak sometimes, if they knew your journey they wouldn't ask. I was an only child and while I went against that with 6 myself I did have a very happy childhood. #KCACOLS

  2. I used to be bombarded with questions too when I didn't have children for many years after my wedding. What they didn't know was I had 3 miscarriages before my boys came along. I wish people would just mind their own business.


  3. It’s so annoying when people ask these questions.
    It can be so insensitive.

  4. You are definitely enough!! I hate how people always ask when the next baby is due once you have had one - the questions never stop and people don't think before they ask questions sometimes! Hang in there, what will be will be and even if it is just the three of you - that's perfectly fine! #KCACOLS

  5. I hope your journey ends the way you hope. People can be so insensitive with questions.

  6. Oh bless you. What an emotional story. My partner is an only child, and there are reasons for that.
    I'm sorry that people are asking those questions to you, some don't think and some people are just too insensitive!
    Big hugs xxx #KCACOLS

  7. I love this post and will share it on my fb page. my husband and I delayed having kids after we got married, not due to fertility but due to a phobia i've battled all my life - of vomiting. and I continually was asked about kids and how I "shouldn't" let the phobia get in the way etc. Really people know nothing about the daily impact it has and the implications of being pregnant etc. So yeah, this really resonates with me. and after we had our son, we then get the "oh you have to give him a sibling" and, well, up until last year, i just didn't feel mentally ready. Baby two is due next week! but it's taken a lot to get there. try not to put so much pressure on yourselves though. i know easier said than done. I guess for us,he has never asked for a sibling, so again, we've never felt pressured from our son as such. I am pleased he will get a brother or sister but it isn't the be all. Like you say, it's important to appreciate what we have in the here and now. try not to what if. There are def lots of pros to having one :) xx

  8. You are so strong, stronger than you know. I am an only child and I remember I used to beg my parents for a sibling, not understanding the struggles they too had faced with fertility. Being an only child has its benefits and I don't feel deprived for not having a sibling- although sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to deal with family dramas if I had one! Lots of love to you and your beautiful family x

  9. It really annoys me how people assume and ask quite personal questions with no thought. I have two children and the main question I get now is "Will you have anymore?" i think when you get passed two, people tend to be shocked if you have what would be classed as a larger family - 3, 4 plus kids. I'm totally content with the two I have so my answer is simple but I know of people who have been asked then judged when they say they would like one or two more. #KCACOLS

  10. This is such a heartfelt post. But the part that resonated the most with me is that you have so much love for your little miracle, Amelia-Rose. It's so difficult not to take other people's insensitive comments on board but Amelia-Rose does not NEED a sibling. If she gets one, then that is lovely, but she has all the love she needs from you and her Daddy.
    (Popping back because I thought I'd commented earlier in the week but not sure it worked!)

  11. this post hit close to home. We also had a hard time conceiving, and as my wife already had a much older daughter we decided not to try again. Now that my daughter is 7 there are times when I really second guess that choice #kcacols

  12. It's so hard to deal with everyone else's opinions on what is the perfect family. After our first child was born we were asked about a second. Our second was a boy so we had one of each - according to everyone else we didn't need anymore we had the perfect family. Once we announced our third child we were told we didn't need to have anymore and we were crazy - what they didn't know is we suffered four miscarriages to get there. People will always have an opinion on what should be your perfect family.

    Sending you lots of love and luck for the rest of your journey, wherever it may take you. #KCACOLS

  13. It always amazes me people make these comments or ask these questions. My SIL who was on IVF for years kept asking us, which I found so odd, given her history. It's like some bizarre habit...#KCACOLS

  14. I had this from strangers for 8 years before my eldest got his sibling. What people didn't know is that we lost his brother in that time, along with 15 babies to miscarriage. People can be so insensitive!

  15. This is so beautiful. I am so sorry for this tough time that you are going through. I shared this on Twitter and followed you on all social media. I can't wait to see what unfolds for your family. Sending you prayers. #KCACOLS

  16. We had the same experience and I lost three inbetween the boys. But we were lucky because they found something wrong with me and medication meant I carried Kipper to term. But the process was heartbreaking. People really need to think before they open their mouths! Sending love x

  17. Oh I am sorry that you feel this way! And yes, some people can be a little insensitive when it comes to asking these kinds of things. #KCACOLS

  18. People just don't think and just assume that everything is so simple and that everyone is going to follow the same path. Sending lots of love #KCACOLS

  19. My daughter is 7 and these questions have just about stopped now - I think people have got the message! It was our choice to have an only child and I find the questions annoying, so can only imagine how you feel. I promise you though, your daughter will be fine as an only child, you just have to give them a bit more attention! #KCACOLS

  20. A very honest and heartfelt post lovely lady, I think people ask these questions without fully thinking about other aspects of peoples lives.You are a fab mum and I'm sure your daughter will grow up to be a very happy young lady regardless xx

  21. My wife was an only child and for many years had just a single parent too, which in many ways informed her desire to have multiple children (we have three). But I've never understood why some people presume that everyone wants more than one child. Financial or medical circumstances, personal preferences, any number of reasons can be a good reason for stopping at one (or even none!) I think sometimes we need to be aware that the question is asked for entirely innocent reasons - but I do hate it when people presume to know what's best for you. #KCACOLS

  22. Beautiful post. This is why I never ask if more babies are on the horizon because you never know what people have been through to conceive their first one! (Plus it's nosey) #KCACOLS
    Sarah | Mummykind

  23. I think people often speak without thinking - we lost 2 babies between number one and number two & the endless questions about when we were having another was soul destroying at the time - I just used to smile & shrug #KCACOLS

  24. I hate that people feel they can ask questions like this without giving a second thought for what might be happening that they don't know or can't see #blogcrush

  25. Aw, such a well written post. So sorry you've been going through such heart ache. You have a beautiful family and I do really hope that longed for second baby comes for you, but as you say we have to appreciate everything we do have too. I think sometimes people really don't think before they speak! It can be so insensitive. We should always remember people may be fighting hidden battles. Much love. xx

  26. I've been there, and I understand completely. Once, after being berated by my own parents, I screamed at them that we (I was married to a man at the time) were dealing with fertility issues and life is just about stressful enough without your need to grandparent!
    My heart goes out to you all. Try not to stress (easier said than done) and hopefully, when you least expect it, you will be expecting. Hugs! #KCACOLS xo


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