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A Battle As A Mum With Anxiety

Being a blogger, can be a little deceiving. Now not in the way you may be thinking. As bloggers we all have that place where we can be ourselves, be able to write about issues that could be considered controversial. However, being confident and outspoken is not something I like to do in person. I don't want you to think that I am not real, when I write, have general ramblings or vent. I like to try and paint a picture of real motherhood and not a 'pinterest mum' who can whip up a batch of cookies, have a clutter free and clean home all whilst looking after a bunch of toddlers. You know, the kind of mum who generally has their shit together. Even though it may seem as if I am a confident and an outgoing person, I guess it's easy to show this behind a screen. I am far from this, when it comes to meeting new people or going to new groups, it's a bit of a struggle. 

When I actually sit down and think about it, I haven't always been like this especially when it comes to making friends. As a child I would always be the first one to say hello or ask if they wanted to come around to my house, but as I got older things started to change. I soon became shy, timid, and nervous around new groups. I would always dread being asked questions in class. I remember most of the time not focusing on my work and worrying too much about being asking questions. Pretty much throughout my school life, college and even university this was still a worry for me and when I went into the world of work I would hate giving presentations or even speak about daily targets in front of group of people. I would have to say that these overwhelming feelings have always been there, when I met my husband and he gave me so much confidence to be myself, to realise that I was always enough. We moved in together, got engaged and got married and it was then when those overwhelming feelings of self-doubt, not being good enough came back. It was hard to escape.

I could remember having unrealistic worries about everyday things. I always thought that this was a part of my personality. I would always try and focus on all the positive things in my life like my marriage and trying for a baby. However it wasn't as plain sailing as I thought it would be. It was such a tough time for both my husband and I and we couldn't escape those feelings. Some nights I would sit there looking at yet another negative pregnancy test and be completely heartbroken. I would cry for me, cry for my husband cry for what we could never have and I soon realised that I would never be enough for him. Those similar feelings were so hard to escape. We decided to stop trying and just focus on getting back to the couple we once were. Ones that only had one dream in mind. It was then we began on focusing on friends, family and make fresh new plans for our life. However lo and behold I was sitting on my bathroom floor looking at a positive pregnancy test, crying. Our dream for a baby had finally become a reality. In all the great things that were about to come our way those anxious feelings were beginning to rear it's ugly head again. It was quite hard to shake them off. 

From the moment I found I was pregnant I was overwhelmed with worry. I would worry about being pregnant, thinking about the baby and whether my body would provide everything it should to keep my baby healthy. Self-doubt came with the feelings of worries. I shared my concerns with my midwife and she assured me that it was completely understandable and normal during pregnancy, which eased my feelings a little. When I think back to my pregnancy, you could say I had one of the idyllic ones. It was the one time in my life that I felt so comfortable and so beautiful in my own skin, full of confidence and self worth. I began to feel as if I was getting back to the person I once was. My pregnancy wasn't all full of unicorns and rainbows there were hard parts, like with any pregnancy. I had faint morning sickness, sciatic pain, frequent heart burn and the most ugly swollen feet towards the end of the pregnancy. Despite these though, I still saw it as idyllic. So during this time I did try focus on all the positive aspects of my pregnancy but that niggling feeling was still there. Soon enough I was going to be responsible for the little baby that was growing inside me, she was going to depend on me like no one has before, yet I had no experience in how I am suppose to do that, how am I going to do this?

I had my daughter naturally with had no complications and I was home with my new family within days. As you might expect with a new born, family and friends flocked round to see our beautiful little lady and this time in our lives was perfect and we couldn't have been happier. But after everything settled I started to feel different... My anxiety seemed to have kicked up a notch but had somehow shifted and now all I would do is worry about my daughter, her breathing is something I would always make sure I checked. Actually even now, at three years old, I will make my way into her bedroom, put my hand on her chest just to be sure she's breathing. My life soon became full of what ifs and worse case scenarios. 

It started to consume me and my life. I would constantly worry about my husband and my daughter. So much so I would bombard my husband with message after message asking him if he'd arrived at work safely. Anxiety came with my daughter too. Constantly checking her breathing, her temperature, asking myself lots of questions about her sleep, her feeds, how I even dressed her. It was too much. I would lay there most night trying to relax and sleep, but I would lay there for hours listening my husband and daughter sleep. It began to effect my life. I would panic if I had to go out to get something, I couldn't face meeting people for play dates, I would even get flustered whenever we had family functions. I can remember the exact time that my husband knew something was wrong. We were getting ready to go to a local community centre to try and get signed off from the health visiting team, my daughter was around six weeks old. We were running late and my daughter was crying hysterically because she wanted a feed and I went out into the kitchen to make her a bottle. Then as I was feeding her my husband came over and said that I was holding the bottle the wrong way around, the valve was on the bottom. I burst into tears. I know that my husband wasn't trying to cause any upset but I just couldn't hide my feelings in anymore. I wanted some help. At the appointment, it was too much, when it came to talking about it, I just wanted to shrug those feelings off again. In the end, my husband stepped up to tell them how I was feeling and even though deep down it is something that I had been struggling for some time, they said it was to do with the baby. I knew it was more than just that! But I felt a sense of relief, someone knew. 

Anxiety is such a complicated matter. It seems as if everyone experiences the symptoms differently. However, for every person who suffers from the condition, there is another person who completely doesn’t understand it. I have to see that anxiety is a part of me. By having anxiety just shows me that I need to cherish every single moment as a mother and a wife. Over the last few years there have been ups and down. I have had times where my anxiety hasn't got the best of me, but days for it all to come crashing down and I feel as if I have made no progress. My anxiety will never be resolved with a click of a finger, I have to push myself and I have to know when something is just too much and to be happy.

10 comments on "A Battle As A Mum With Anxiety"
  1. Thanks so much for sharing how you have been feeling. Anxiety consumes us all in so many different ways, but not enough people talk about it. Keep using your lovely writing to get across how you are feeling. Hopefully that is a way to work through it. Keep tucking on Mummy, you are doing great. x #bloggersbest

  2. Well done for writing this, I’m very similar in my anxieties and try and keep them bottled up, they occasionally surface.
    Lovely pictures of you both x

  3. A very honest post and beautifully written, thanks for sharing with #BloggersBests

  4. A very honest and beautiful post. I struggle with anxiety too and my blog has become my lifeline and helps me get everthing into perspective. xx

  5. Such a beautiful honest and brave post! I suffer from anxiety too, and I've found it's only gotten worse since having my little ones. It does help SO much to talk about it though, no one should suffer in silence xx

  6. I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like having anxiety. But you've opened my eyes to it

  7. By sharing you are also helping others in the same situation so they know they are not alone.

  8. Very brave of you to share your feelings lovely I'm so sorry you suffered. However you are so right it's so much better getting it out in the open good for you and sending lots of virtual hugs your way xxx

  9. I can 100% relate to this. After my second baby was born I started suffering with really awful anxiety, a lot of the time I did t want to leave the house and when I did I was terrified something would happen. It is such a struggle sometimes and you are so right, if you’ve never had it you can never truly understand. This is such a honest post lovely, good on you for writing it xx #bloggersbest


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